I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
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