i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
