the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
