I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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