dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
