You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
