How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
