one word: firstdatebathroomanal
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
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