totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Randomize
