Who wears a wallet chain?!
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
