I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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