dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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