when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
