what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
