Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
