I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
