Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
