I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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