whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Randomize
