I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
barbara walters just said penis...
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
