I wish my penis had an off switch
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
