God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
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I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
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it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
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