Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
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