Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
two words: eviction party
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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