there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I love you.
Bad choice
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