on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
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