Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
