you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.