I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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