the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
