I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
