She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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