i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
