sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
