New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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