when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
