Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
