Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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