I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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