Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
