She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
