you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
