i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
