Taylor Swift is so right about you.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
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