She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
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