So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
