i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
NoShamevember. You game?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
