ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
