I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
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