Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
