I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
