I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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