I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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