Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
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