So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
