Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
