I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
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