Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
