my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
